Homepage / Non-fiction / A Serious #SelfishSomethingist
I Don’t Share  Purging Past and Current Pains Demolishing ‘Beatriz at Dinner’ The Hump is Hell Book Review: The Dragon with a Chocolate Heart Disaster Averted or How My Blog Imploded For a Minute Negative much? Tides of Winter: Book Three (The Felix Chronicles) A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Amazon … Research about the US Presidential Election: Invite and Share! It’s a Birthday and More, 2017 And the Winner Is … On the Upcoming US Presidential Inauguration Contest time! A (Potentially Lengthy) Missive on a Problem with Today’s Christian Church Pros and Cons of Working from Home Cozy Comforts How You Doin’, 2017? Deblog 31: Change Deblog 30: My Way Deblog 29: Hip City Life Revisited Deblog 28: A Moment of Clarity Deblog 27: The Future Deblog 26: Grammar the Day After Deblog 25: Christmas Get-Down Deblog 24: Christmas Hippo! Deblog 23: The Worst Job in the World Deblog 22: Dark Spaces Deblog 21: Real-Life Parenting at Christmas Deblog 20: It Came In the Wind Deblog 19: Do Me a Solid Deblog 18: Another Un-Birthday Deblog 17: Differences Deblog 16: On Giving Deblog 15: A Good Time Deblog 14: Happy Feelin’s. No, Really. Deblog 13: About Relationships, or Why No One is a Plow Horse Deblog 12: About Practical Girls, or Why I Cried While Watching ‘Through the Looking Glass’ Deblog 11: About Girlie Girl Princesses, or Why They Can Never Be Queens Deblog 10: Leadership Deblog 9: What Is Love, Anyway? Deblog 8: Happy Deblog 7: Thing’s Internet Deblog 6: Heaven Deblog 5: Change Deblog 4: Nick Hood’s Story Deblog 3: Jeeves Deblog 2: Exile Island Deblog 1: December is Full of Blogidays Plovember 30: And There You Have It Plovember 29: Citizens United Plovember 28: Another Brilliant Idea Plovember 27: Revolt Plovember 26: Outrageous Plovember 25: Figment Plovember 24: All Over Again Plovember 23: Quantum Argument Plovember 22: Every Kind of People Plovember 21: I Look Fear in the Face and Say … Plovember 20: What ‘Unfriend’ Means Plovember 19: Irregular Woman Plovember 18: My Reality Plovember 17: When the Monsters Inside Your Head are Real Plovember 16: Wild Heartbreak Plovember 15: I Nearly Quit Plovember 14: Nerd Life Plovember 13: It Was A Day Unlike Any … Wait A Minute. Plovember 12: It’s A Matter of Faith Plovember 11: Simply Wild Plovember Extra, Day Two! The Alien Hour, Part Two! Plovember 10: Look at California Nano Ploblano, the Extra Edition: The Alien Hour, Part One Plovember 9: Four-Wheelin Fun Plovember 8: Flight Plovember 7: Through the Looking Glass Plovember 6: Hip City Life. Or Something. Plovember 5: We Interrupt This Story to Bring You Standing Rock Plovember 4: The Horror Continues Plovember 3: Not What I Wanted Plovember 2: Norse Asian Fusion? Plovember 1: Fiesta! Plovember Prep and Preview Goodie, Goodie – Plovember is Just Around the Corner … Or Something … Think Before You Speak – The Delta Airline Debacle and More The Greatest Gift I Ever Gave Away Epiphany! or, Figurative, Literal, It Matters Not in the Course of Learning Stuff This Interlude Brought to You by Emotional HAZMAT, or … Free is Good, but Buying is Better … Book Release, or Mind Offering a Review? #OperationFindTheGarage Photos The #SelfishSomethingist is Finished … or Is It? A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the … Oh, Wait … Something Persnickety This Way Comes … A Serious #SelfishSomethingist Sometimes, New Chapters Start Before Old Ones Finish VisDare 150: The Pressing VisDare 149: Finding My Way VisDare 148: Awake A Selfish #Somethingist Book Review: ‘Sack Nasty: Prison Poetry’ – Ra Avis

Non-fiction

A Serious #SelfishSomethingist

Have you ever been young and stupid?

Boy, howdy have I. A thousand years ago, I was convinced I was unlovable. I had an associate who was a romance novel fanatic and all her machinations about the wonderful world of love made it worse. I convinced myself that I would find love.

What I found was the opposite. It was, in essence, hate.

I wasn’t the object of hate but was the outlet for it.

In the course of that ‘relationship’, I determined that I was unlovable — after all, how could someone treat me this way otherwise? Beaten, berated, bruised, belittled — daily.

But, for the most part, that’s no secret. Those close to me and even some folks not so close know that part of my life story. I share it when I think it will help someone in similar straits know that he or she is not alone, that many of us have fallen prey to a lack of belief in ourselves and have found ourselves in the grip of the self-hatred of another.

Yet, there is more to the story.

It is an ugly underbelly that I keep secret. I think there have been two people who know, both of them held close to my soul. One is no longer in the land of the living, having carried the secret to the Great Beyond. Both have held the tears and pain of that secret close to their hearts, for which I am eternally grateful.

It will remain a secret because I am afraid that if I tell it, you will give me that look of disdain as if you’ve never made a terrible, awful, dangerous, horrid choice in the heat of a moment where you hung between the light and the darkness.

I was there and out of fear, chose darkness.

It happens.

I suppose it remains such a painful secret because it is the source of my own self-hatred, a piece of the past that is my thorn (St. Paul wrote about having a thorn … I suppose therefore I am in good company), a thing that gives my swag a little bit of a lag, my smile a little bit of sadness.

But like so many secrets, the pain of it becomes lighter with each passing century, particularly in the telling.

If you are one I hold close to my soul, ask me if you want to know. I will most likely question you and hope you will take a vow not to give me that look of disdain when I look to the floor and (probably with tears) tell you the whole story.

I’ve learned that I am lovable and if I open that part of my heart and reveal the secret I just pray you won’t love me any less.

For #16 on the Selfish Somethingist list – something secret …

One Comment

  1. Lyn August 31, 2016 7:04 pm

    You’ll never get a look of disdain from me, my friend whether I know your secret or not. Christopher knew your secret and he would never tell. The Father knows your secret and all He will do is hold you close, and say, “Child of mine, I love you always.”

%d bloggers like this: