Deblog 5: Change

There are times in the life of the average person when not-so-average things happen.

It’s easy to fall into a poor state of mind — The world is against me! Look at all that has happened! I lost my job, I can’t pay all my bills on time (or at all), I can’t shop like I want, I have to stretch the groceries. Why me? Where is God in all this?

And on it goes, the whining. I’m as guilty as the next. When my full-time contract ended in 2013, I said a few of those things. Full disclosure: I never thought the world was against me or asked where God was, since I knew God was there with me. After all, God knew why I had to leave that gig. It was the best thing that could have happened to me, even though I still haven’t recovered financially.

I was free from the suit set (no offense if you’re pushing the corporate rhetoric around for your bread and butter) and had the ability to care for my special needs son in ways I had not been able to do for the previous 17 years of his life.

For 17 years of his life, it was like I ran the hamster wheel and because of it, had left him behind.

Once my job situation changed, I was a full-time parent for the first time ever. Once he got situated, I was able to concentrate on caring for Christopher. I could jump up and take him to doctor’s visits. After I started working online, I was able to carry my laptop to the hospital whenever he was there.

Things changed again after Christopher Left to cross the Rainbow Bridge. I was completely alone (save for my four-legged monsters) for the first time in about 25 years. I could begin to care for myself and my home, to decide what I wanted to do and when.

Needless to say, change is difficult. I do wonder what things would be like if I was still making as much as I did when I worked outside the house full-time. What it would be like not to worry about health insurance, if the next phone call will be a bill collector, how I will pay for auto repairs, or if I’ll have enough for the mortgage. But that’s not my lot yet. Change has helped me write out all the things I need to take care of each month, something I hadn’t done before.

Ever.

In life.

Yeah, you read that right — never created a budget. Don’t judge.

Change has meant I know where the shortfall is and how much I need to make in the future to surpass it.

Change has meant I have had to let go of a lot of people, places, and things.

Change has been painful and some days continues to be so. Especially when I encounter someone who expects me to still be who I was before all this.

But change has been good. Change has enabled me to lean into my faith.

Change has encouraged me to be me, whatever that looks or sounds like, every day.

Change has brought me in contact with new people.

Change has allowed me to learn more about people who were known to me before.

Change means new things are coming because old things have moved down the Path (big up’s to The Dark Tower — I love the notion of the Path …).

And that’s good.

 

 

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