You know that thing where you question everything about yourself? Yeah that.
How’s your Wednesday going?
It’s been a minute. Again.
What had happened was I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. I explained to him that pretty much every day I felt like I’d been beat with a bag of rocks. He smiled as I described the situation and confirmed that I was at the precipice of turning into an old person. Because I’m at that age where women start changing, which includes physical and emotional shifts.
Great. I’d hit the physical part, full and center. And then the beginning of this week happened. My son went into hospital last week with pneumonia and ended up in ICU. He’s still there for who knows how long. I ran headlong into the emotional part of this I’m-aging thing. I questioned whether I am a good mom, a proper employee, and a supportive significant other. I wasn’t feeling particularly positive about any aspect. All the news I was hearing around me was negative: the daughter of one of a coworker from my Jersey days died, another local woman’s elementary-aged son died, the doctor told me that my son had to remain asleep (he is sedated and intubated) because being awake means he’s fighting the ventilator and that could set back his progress (he wakes up just before I arrive … it’s like he can feel me coming, so he gets excited). I was at an emotional low.
So what to do?
Shut down for a minute.
Not totally but just enough to focus on real life. Other than maybe three posts that I felt were absolutely necessary, I’ve put myself on a social media time out. A funny thing to say since you might be reading this from the Book of Faces, Tweet World, or Tumbling Spaces. Don’t worry about replying because I won’t see it for a while. I have been working of course but have been outside, enjoying the sun, watching the rabbits, lizards, ground squirrels, gophers, hawks, and even coyotes. I am resting. I am dreaming. I am thinking about writing. I can’t quantify it but something generally about social media was dragging me down. Perhaps it was envy: a desire to have experiences like those described by folks in the feed. See that right there? The feed. It sounds ominous, like a life-sucking monster that was gaining sustenance on my emotions at a weird time in my universe.
But I know that this is just a hump in the Path, something to get over and beyond, to look back on with gratitude that it has passed. Because the hump is hell.
I had to step back and recognize the reality of it all.
I can accept the things I can’t do anything about and work on the things I can.
I’ve gotten back to volunteering. I’ve just about finished some projects around the house. I’ve given myself permission to be free of some mental and emotional stuff.
What does it all mean? Will I get the answers I seek? Will I discover that I have been a good mom, am an exemplary employee, and am a strong lover/partner/help-mate? Dunno, but I feel better days coming.
Just on the other side of the hump.
I’ll let you know when I get there. In the meantime, if you find yourself approaching or on a hump, know that you can get to the good stuff on the other side. Focus on the reality of your spaces. Do the things you love.
See you down the Path: I’ll meet you in the sun.