He opened the notebook, revealing five names written in pencil. They were heavily scratched over so the full names were hidden behind gray rectangles. ‘I think I am ready to be serious with you. None of these,’ he gestured at the marks in the notebook with a disgusted expression, ‘were serious material, you know? I mean they were back-ups anyway while we were getting closer.’ He put the book down, took my hands, and looked me in the eyes. ‘Should we be serious? Like boyfriend and girlfriend? Like you, know, in public and stuff?’
My mind was a blur. I couldn’t erase the crossed out names from my mind. ‘I never had back-ups. You know that, right?’
He smiled. ‘So is that a yes?’
And then I woke up.
I started watching ‘This is Us‘ a few days ago. Last night there was an episode where Kate shows up at Toby’s apartment; there is evidence of a food binge and she has this expression on her face like she’s been cheated on.
My dream was totally Kate and Toby’s fault. It reminded me that I don’t share.
Not like them with the food thing but in real situations. Like love.
I have known people who, out of loneliness, settle for being the one who gets the call to go out after the other people on the list have said no. Even in my most miserable times, I never understood that.
I am too valuable to be the fall back option. Or to settle for the fact that someone has others as fall backs in case I ain’t it. Can we just get along?
Because when I care, I do it honestly and completely because life is too short to not mean it. That said, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to give that much of myself to more than one person.
That’s creepy to me.
Maybe it’s because I am an only child and thus didn’t have to share everything with a sibling. Dunno.
Anyway, I am glad I woke up from that dream before my Jersey self came out on that dude. He was one blink away from a horrible dream soliloquy.
So, how’s your Tuesday? Any interesting dreams lately?